moving.

I am finally leaving my work and joining a totally new different setting. Honestly, i have a very mixed feeling about this change. Hopefully, I am not making a mistake. If i really follow my heart (and maybe cowardice), i would have stayed. But i think sometimes, we have to move ourself away from our comfort zone, no matter how much we want to stay within the comfort zone. 

Well, the year end is coming, new year, new job. I have to look forward to that. But inside i feel down cause i am leaving my colleagues in the office, these colleagues have become my friends after these two years. although, we will say will keep in touch. I don't think it will be the same. i am really going to miss them a lot. a lot.

In Limbo

Sometimes, upon reflection i find that i am living my life in anticipation. It is as if i am constantly waiting, waiting for what i am not too sure....

all this waiting, is causing me not to live my life to the fullest. It is really very hard for me to explain in words, but i constantly remind myself, don't wait. Live now. You never really know whether tomorrow will come. so live now.

Currently, my mood has been up and downs... if i am really honest with myself. i think i do not have the passion at work. Whether this passion will ever come, i don't know. what i know is that i cannot wait for the passion to come. must there be passion? who says there must be passion anyways. sigh sigh.... i don't think i am making any sense at all actually. 

maybe i am feeling a bit down because i did not hear from the new job that i am waiting for... so sad. now i feel stuck. in the first place, i was still undecided about changing job, but now that the option to leave seems to be nil, i feel stuck there. I need something new but will a new job spark my passion? I really don't know.... maybe i am just not a very passionate person. I don't want to be like this, i want to live my life to the fullest. but inside me, i can never really be passionate about things, or maybe outwardly i never show it.... i don't know. i realise the more i write, the confuse i get. i shall stop here.

counting down to Ozzie 08!

i am excited. in 4 days time, i will be flying!!!! yay! my second trip with friends.... i love travelling. in fact, one of my dreams is to stay in a foreign land for a year, do simple job (maybe in a cafe/bookstore), take my time, savour the experience for a year, then come back to real life.

it is not that my life is that bad, i will not want to leave it forever, but i think an opportunity to live beyond this is important. it will really be a blessing if i ever get a chance to do it.... money/family is a big factor. Well, i can always dream and who knows this dream of mine will come true. someday.

well if you are wondering where i am going in 4 days time, i am going to Cairns! and Gold coast! and Brisbane!Woohoo! hopefully everything goes smoothly and we will have the enjoyable time as planned.

another excitement in my life... perhaps a new job..... well went for the interview just now. did ok, but who knows. i shall not have high hopes.

waiting

i was reading through my entry, and i thought it's nice to have this blog. i can read through and reflect on what i was thinking at that point of writing.

currently, things are all tentative. i feel like i am waiting. waiting for something. i think i am ready for a change. be it career wise or also social life.

i feel like i am living life waiting something to happen. this is definitely not good. i am to live my life, not wait. currently, i really does not know that i am rambling.

confusion, confusion.

may tomorrow be a better day. and may the change come soon. and may i accept it if the change never come.

Do you feel fulfilled?

A friend asked me this question today...

I think i did not really answer her question directly. To say I am not fulfilled, I don't think that's true. But to say I am fulfilled, that does not rings true too.

What I love about my life:

I have my family with me

I managed to keep in contact with close friends

I like the fact that i get to at times make a little difference in strangers' life through my work.

No one actually force me to do what I won't want.

Actually none of the above are actually reasons why I love my life. 

I think i neither hate or love my life. I told the friend. I am not extremely fulfilled, but I cannot say I am unhappy either.

She said she cannot help but feel that something is missing in her life. 

After reflecting, I realised at times i feel that way too.

I think the missing factor is passion. I know of people who have dreams, things that they want to do. Volunteer overseas, work with the elderly, open a centre, etc

I guess in my line of work, i will meet people who are very passionate. 

Although it is inspiring them, at time it does make me question myself. Am i inadequate because I don't have this big goal or direction that I am working towards. Must I find something to be passionate about? Is that the whole point of living?

I told my friend, if you spend your whole life trying to find yourself, then what will happen if you never did, despite trying. Will you waste your life being unfulfilled because you think you have to find something to be passionate about... or should you just be passionate about living itself.

my career path

what shall i write about today.... mmnn let's see

today started very well, i got on bus 88, got a window seat. i really enjoyed the view as today, the sky is beautiful... really really good to have the sky to look at, to admire before i start the hectic day ahead.

was talking to a colleague later part of the day, came to a realization that, All of us will not be colleagues forever. We will have to leave the company. Will i be sad to leave the job? no, i don't think so. cause my next job will be along the same line. But i will definitely miss the people. definitely. are there people who stay in a job for many many years, just for the people?

well some days, i really wish that i have more passion for my job. But there are also days when i'm sitting besides the patient's bed, listening to their stories and I feel lucky. I feel lucky that part of job actually involve talking to these strangers, these patients. I know i learn a lot from them, directly or indirectly. I think i am in the right line. Cannot imagine me feeling happy about doing anything.... other than... being a PT, newspaper seller, paramedic, dancer, etc....

hahaha

ok ok.... the list goes on and on actually. Well i guess most of us usually wished we are doing something else or we are at somewhere else. The most important thing is, there are moments which suddenly hit u that u love your job. I have such moments, and i love my job cause of such moments. No matter how rare.

bubbling

i am trying to stop myself. stop myself from being too eager, too easy, too hopeful. some people i know told me that i live in a bubble. at times, i don't know what they mean. but i think i already do.

my coping mechanism.... bubbling

definition of bubbling - blinding myself, protecting myself so that the world around me remains safe. remains happy. remains familiar.

A start

well, my work place is starting a blog for the department, so i guess perhaps i am also caught in the blogging fever.... a little too late though. (what's new).

okie the reason for the address first.... i am basically, generally, someone who take things very easy. Very few people will describe me as moody, gloomy and melancholic. In fact, i think overall i am quite a positive person.

But the thoughts that play in my head when i'm alone are at times sappy ones....  so i guess if i have a blog, i will tend to blog the sappy stuffs, BUT it does not mean that i'm sad, it's just that at the point of blogging, i have not so happy thoughts. so friends, who actually read this blog, please read it without worries. i'm not depressed.