Leaving it to Him

How do I know? That's the question I have for myself  now. 

My last entry was about expectations, it is hard not to have expectation, especially in matters of the heart. I am happy with my life now, everything is going great. Alhamdullilah. 

Just came back from a long holidays, it was great. Now, there might be a relationship looming in the picture. Hence the question i asked myself. How will I know if that he is the one? It is not that I am choosy, i think it is more of scared. Scared that what I expect from the relationship, will not turn out. Where will that leave me? I don't know how others can be so confident of that someone, so happy and yakin that he is the one, he is the husband. Why can't I also have that confidence. Is it the lack of faith, is it cowardice. 

Now, I am trying, solat istikharah. Maybe then I will get the answer. I am real scared but at the same time I know, if I don't take this risk, then I will never know. Isn't being hurt all part of learning. I can't protect myself. The question that I have to ask myself now is also if I am right for him? or perhaps, the more pertinent question is how can i be right for him?

He is not the man of my dreams. He is not, did not fulfill all the criteria at all... but somehow, it's him who has been occupying this space in my heart. I am always in conversation with him. It's him i want to share silly momnets with. It is him I want to share happy news with. He's there, always there. That's why I'm scared. What if I am not always there?

Waiting in line

Hi, 

Life has been good so far, the only thing that is sucky is the feeling that i am waiting in line. I don't know if there is something wrong with me but i guess so far, things have not been working out for me. I know that perhaps God is testing me and i have to be patient. 

There is someone in my life now, at least it feels as though there is someone. a potential perhaps, ? the thing is i am tired of having potential, i don't want potential, i want it to happen. i know i cannot give up hope, but i guess it hurts if you hope too much. 

i just want to be contented. i am actually but it's hard to keep the hope at bay. not easy.

PMSing

I am writing this while PMSing so yah contents may get a little emotional.

It's been a year since I join my new job. I'm loving the new job, I feel I am good in what I'm doing. So far, feedback from clients and colleagues and the bosses have been good. I like it as whenver i am session, hearing their stories i really feel the desire of instilling a little hope, a little sweetness to their challenging life. Though I know that I cannot do magic and make all the challenges and problems go away, but i believe by being with them, I get to be a part of their life, although its just a little part, I would like to try my best to give a little hope and light whenever I can.

Eh to my surprise, this turns out to be quite a positive post. 

Well, that's good.