taking the leap

Hi, 

It's been really really long since.

A lot of things have changed, and yet on the outside, lots of things still remain the same. 

I guess, now i am really on the brink of a decision. But as i am typing this, i come to a realisation that the decision is not mine to make. It's with God. I guess what i am deciding is whether to give the relationship a chance, but now that that i'm writing this, I already have been giving it a chance. 

We can plan, we can think we decide this and that. But in reality, some things are really not in our grasp. Some may say this is a fatalistic position to take, but i don't agree. I always fear of settling, but what is settling. If dah jodoh, then it will happen. that's not settling. 

How do you know if you like a guy? or love him in fact? this is a question that i can never really answer. is it just thinking about him all the time? is that enough? is it seeing him in you future?I think to a certain extent, it is your decision. loving is a decision you make. now, i can't decide, is it because i am afraid. I am afraid that he don't like me. I am afraid that he decide not to love me. But that's life rite? life is not black and white. how can i wait for the other party to decide, then i decide. 

Aaaahhh i think the more i write, the more confuse i become. 

Leaving it to Him

How do I know? That's the question I have for myself  now. 

My last entry was about expectations, it is hard not to have expectation, especially in matters of the heart. I am happy with my life now, everything is going great. Alhamdullilah. 

Just came back from a long holidays, it was great. Now, there might be a relationship looming in the picture. Hence the question i asked myself. How will I know if that he is the one? It is not that I am choosy, i think it is more of scared. Scared that what I expect from the relationship, will not turn out. Where will that leave me? I don't know how others can be so confident of that someone, so happy and yakin that he is the one, he is the husband. Why can't I also have that confidence. Is it the lack of faith, is it cowardice. 

Now, I am trying, solat istikharah. Maybe then I will get the answer. I am real scared but at the same time I know, if I don't take this risk, then I will never know. Isn't being hurt all part of learning. I can't protect myself. The question that I have to ask myself now is also if I am right for him? or perhaps, the more pertinent question is how can i be right for him?

He is not the man of my dreams. He is not, did not fulfill all the criteria at all... but somehow, it's him who has been occupying this space in my heart. I am always in conversation with him. It's him i want to share silly momnets with. It is him I want to share happy news with. He's there, always there. That's why I'm scared. What if I am not always there?

Waiting in line

Hi, 

Life has been good so far, the only thing that is sucky is the feeling that i am waiting in line. I don't know if there is something wrong with me but i guess so far, things have not been working out for me. I know that perhaps God is testing me and i have to be patient. 

There is someone in my life now, at least it feels as though there is someone. a potential perhaps, ? the thing is i am tired of having potential, i don't want potential, i want it to happen. i know i cannot give up hope, but i guess it hurts if you hope too much. 

i just want to be contented. i am actually but it's hard to keep the hope at bay. not easy.

PMSing

I am writing this while PMSing so yah contents may get a little emotional.

It's been a year since I join my new job. I'm loving the new job, I feel I am good in what I'm doing. So far, feedback from clients and colleagues and the bosses have been good. I like it as whenver i am session, hearing their stories i really feel the desire of instilling a little hope, a little sweetness to their challenging life. Though I know that I cannot do magic and make all the challenges and problems go away, but i believe by being with them, I get to be a part of their life, although its just a little part, I would like to try my best to give a little hope and light whenever I can.

Eh to my surprise, this turns out to be quite a positive post. 

Well, that's good. 

alone together

It's Hari Raya today..... so far so good.

I just read a friend's blog and I realised that I am really not aware of whatever she is going through or had gone through. I asked myself, what kind of friend am I? People are really a complicated, you can never really know a person 100% as I think that most of us, if not all of us, are acting, pretending to be the person we are not. I wonder if any of us has ever been 100% honest, to ourself and others? I think the answer will be no. We are not honest, at all. And because of this, we become lonely. 

nobody

Haha...what a sad title. Well recently there is a hit Indonesian song which is about this man who is pleading for someone to marry him as he feels he is left on the shelf as all his friends are married... tak laku laku. hehe.

For me, i refuse to believe that i am tak laku. Actually i thought my beliefs have changed, but actually i still believe that one day i will meet with a man, who i love and loves me. and one day, I will get married to this man. I will be lying to myself if i say i am not affected by this singleness but i am not despair. It is indeed lonely at times, but I am refusing to let go of this hope, the hope that one day I will meet someone, someone for me. Without this hope, then I have nothing to console myself, to look forward to.

I hope, and I hope my hopes will be a reality.

update

wah it's been sometime since i last blog.... and its been nearly 4 mths since i started on my new job!!!!

haha. everything is going well rite now, i am loving the new job, especially the hours. Now i have more time for myself. With this new job, the line between my personal life and work life is more distinct... i like it that way. it feels  more healthier somehow.

Well, i am adjusting well to the new job, i miss the peeps at my previous job which was expected. buti am glad i went ahead with the decision to change. change is at times, inevitable and also good.

i was reading a book and this question pop to my mind...... r the things we do or compromise an act of maturity or is it an admission of defeat.? Well if i look into myself, there are changes in ideals and also my views on certain things.... i know that as you grow up, you have to make certain compromises.... but how far do you compromise? and is compromising an act of maturity.... or is it just you giving up?