My last entry was about expectations, it is hard not to have expectation, especially in matters of the heart. I am happy with my life now, everything is going great. Alhamdullilah.
Just came back from a long holidays, it was great. Now, there might be a relationship looming in the picture. Hence the question i asked myself. How will I know if that he is the one? It is not that I am choosy, i think it is more of scared. Scared that what I expect from the relationship, will not turn out. Where will that leave me? I don't know how others can be so confident of that someone, so happy and yakin that he is the one, he is the husband. Why can't I also have that confidence. Is it the lack of faith, is it cowardice.
Now, I am trying, solat istikharah. Maybe then I will get the answer. I am real scared but at the same time I know, if I don't take this risk, then I will never know. Isn't being hurt all part of learning. I can't protect myself. The question that I have to ask myself now is also if I am right for him? or perhaps, the more pertinent question is how can i be right for him?
He is not the man of my dreams. He is not, did not fulfill all the criteria at all... but somehow, it's him who has been occupying this space in my heart. I am always in conversation with him. It's him i want to share silly momnets with. It is him I want to share happy news with. He's there, always there. That's why I'm scared. What if I am not always there?
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